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Apple, Wall Street, America, and Pot-Smoking Lesbians

The end is near

48 million phones sold. Three different iPhones sold 48 million units. 23 million tablets sold. Three different iPads sold 23 million units.

13 million MP3 players sold. 13 million MP3 players sold. 13 million MP3 players sold. 13 million MP3 players sold. 13 million MP3 players sold. Who still buys MP3 players?

$54 billion in revenue. $13 billion in profits. All in 12 weeks. Revenue records broken. Profit records broken. Phone sales records broken. Tablet sales records broken.

Apple Cash

$137 billion in cash on hand.

Apple could buy Jamaica (GDP: $15.07 billion) and still have over $100 billion in walking around money.

After all this, what was Wall Street’s response? Blah. We don’t like it. It’s not good enough. Why did Mac sales go down? How did you miss on our iPhone predictions? When’s the TV coming? You only sold 13 million iPods?  That’s it, your stock is going down.

For Apple, dealing with Wall Street has to be the equivalent of living with a child with an extreme case of teen angst. No matter what happens or what you do, it’s never good enough. The world is ending. Why didn’t you get me a 64GB iPad!? What am I supposed to do with a 32GB iPad!? My life is over!

The Street is believing every rumor about everything. You’re making three iPhones in three different sizes, and they’re all coming out this year? But the other guys said you cut your iPhone and iPad orders in half!? Why are you doing this!? What is going on!?

For Apple, it has to be difficult to deal with the angst-filled Street. If you correct them, they will call you divisive and hostile. If you say nothing, it’s because everything is true and you’re on the brink of collapse.

Apple could drop a $100 billion quarter next time out, but if they miss on the Street’s iPad predictions, it’s a bust.

Is that the price you pay for being the world’s largest company, or has the Street been spoiled by Apple’s astronomical earnings over the past few years?

It seems that Apple has fallen into the same ridiculous pit that the United States has been in since 2008. Any little thing that happens is a clear and obvious declaration that the end of the country is near. We’ll never be the same. America is dead. A group of vegan, pot-smoking lesbians are coming to take our guns! We must buy all the guns!!

Get a grip, people. This end isn’t near for America, or for Apple.

What needs to end is the ridiculous overreactions to every little rumor about every little thing.


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